Having children ever feel ashamed is not bad. Discover the silver lining of children experiencing shame and what they can learn from her from the hand of the psychologist Begoña Ibarrola. In addition, we give you tips so that as a father and mother you help your child to manage this emotion.
Shame is a social emotion, that is, it is learned, we are not born with shame. We are born with joy, sadness, fear, anger, surprise and disgust, but not with shame. So what happens? Curiously, it is caused because we perceive something negative in us before a performance or others make us feel ashamed because they evaluate something we do as negative.
There may be a child whose temperament is shy, a kid who is more ashamed of things, such as meeting new friends, exposing himself in public, reciting a poem, singing in front of other people ... But shame is an emotion that goes coupled with having a 'behavior' or 'experiencing an action' that you consider is not up to the task and / or that others may even judge you as something negative. Thus, It is not only that you feel ashamed, but that others embarrass you.
Knowing all this from the beginning, when as parents we consider how we want the education of our children to be we should consider not educating in shame, that is, provoking it, but not eliminating it completely.
If a child is ashamed of something he has done and it is difficult for him to verbalize it, you can help him to recognize that what has embarrassed him today may change tomorrow, do not cause that feeling and if he dares to stand up to him if he has a little less scared or does not care what others think. For example, if you are embarrassed because you have screwed up in a public place, by next time you will be a little more attentive and take precautions.
Shame, hard to believe, also has a positive side, because shame is an urge to change something. When you are ashamed of something, you generally ask yourself, 'How am I not able to do this right? Come on, I'm going to propose. '
It has its motivating element, but it is different from guilt. Shame implies that you do not harm others. You are embarrassed by inappropriate behavior, for example because you are a girl and you have gone to the boys' bathroom or because you are going out in the play and you trip and fall in front of everyone. It does not involve anyone else, nor do you hurt another, but you understand that this situation is not very appropriate for a certain moment.
We mistakenly tend to establish a relationship between shame, shyness and low self-esteem. Shyness is a personality trait, a way of acting or behaving in certain situations that are difficult for them to face; On the other hand, a person, in this case a child, with low self-esteem would never dare to expose himself to situations where he might feel ashamed.
It is not that shame has to do directly with self-esteem, but it sets the child back, it does not allow him to access new experiences so easily because he feels more insecure. Insecurity makes you anticipate that you may not be doing well, so you don't even expose yourself to shame.
Meanwhile, those with good self-esteem say 'Come on, I'll go out in front of everyone and at the parents' party I'm going to recite a poem.' Then maybe they get stuck, they turn red with shame, but it is not because of self-esteem problems, simply because they do not feel safe, they have screwed up and maybe even run off stage, but they have already dared.
- The best advice that can be given to a parent to deal with shame, shyness or any other emotion is that they should be empathetic with their child, put themselves in their shoes!
- Support them with phrases such as' Huy, you're turning red, are you ashamed of this, right? '' I will support you if you want ',' I will help you if you want ',' I will encourage you if you want 'or' I will help you I'm behind'. It has a magical effect on children!
- Make them reflect because perhaps they have been ashamed of their recklessness, because they have not taken into account a series of parameters. Maybe he ran on stage and fell, but for running. Then you have to tell them, 'Look, next time you know, you take a deep breath, you pass calmly because if you don't look, everyone has laughed and you have turned red with shame, but it has been because you have exposed yourself too much or because of precipitation' .
- Analyze with them the situations that make them ashamed to see whether or not they can face them, but always without forcing. For example, if you force a person with shame and very shy to do something in front of everyone that he does not want, you are confirming more shame each time, because if he does it with tension, he has a greater chance of doing it wrong, of screwing up. . Therefore, that shame goes into a loop that is not very positive.
And, as the report 'Responding to Children's Emotional Needs', prepared by the Illinois State Department of Education says,' we must guide our children towards overcoming negative emotions and help them develop positive ways of show interest and enthusiasm. '
When faced with a story or a story, children are very receptive, which is why we consider that they are an excellent resource to work with them on different emotions. On this occasion, we have selected for you three stories with which the most shy and embarrassing children will surely empathize.
- The story of Dracolino
Dracolino was a dragon that wanted to sing and brighten the lives of the villagers, instead of spouting fire from its mouth and frightening them. His parents did not understand him and at first they were angry with him for being different from other dragons.
Dracolino, however, began to sing, although he was dying of shame to see how people laughed at him at first, but he did not give up and continued singing, until he got his dream encouraged by his friend the moon. For children from 3 to 7 years old. (Written by Begoña Ibarrola, edited by SM on paper and by Paisandu in digital format).
- Field of poppies
Paola is an adopted Chinese girl who lives in a village with her parents and an older sister. He is looking forward to summer to see his cousins, especially Jorge, because he really likes being with him and sharing his secrets.
During those months, very special things will happen that make them feel more united than ever and Paola will learn with him to overcome her shame and shyness. From 6 years. (Written by Begoña Ibarrola and edited by Desclée de Brouwer).
- Teo's nightmare
Every night Teo has the same nightmare, a dream that makes him feel very ashamed. He is walking down the street and feels how everyone is looking at him, but he does not understand why. Teo wakes up every morning sweating and in great anguish, so he talks to Mom, who tries to help him find out why. That night, Teo goes to bed with the purpose of discovering why he experienced that emotion in dreams ... and he succeeds!
Stories, but also poetry and games can help parents to deal with and manage this social emotion with their children. Pay attention to the different tools that we put at your disposal!
The unhappy bear. Children's poem about shyness. This poem: The unhappy bear, is a children's poem about shyness, we can read it with the children and analyze what happened to the bear for being so embarrassing. Poems are a way to stimulate children's learning.
I am very embarrassed. Short poem to talk to children about shame. With this short poem, children will learn what shame is and what it means to be very shameful. This poetry by Marisa Alonso and the educational activities are an emotional education tool for children to learn to identify, manage and understand shame and shyness.
5 games to help shy children lose their embarrassment. Helping shy children lose their shame is easier with these kids games. We propose some resources against child shyness that can be very useful for embarrassed children. Through visualization, we can help our children manage their emotions.
10 tips to help embarrassed children. How can we help embarrassed children overcome shyness? We give you some very useful tips for parents of shy children, as well as some very useful resources. You should never force your children to expose themselves to what they are ashamed of, which is an emotion related to anger and fear.
You can read more articles similar to Discover the positive side of children experiencing shame, in the category of Conduct on site.